Getting the most out of your solicitor.
When facing the distress of leaving an abusive situation, it is natural to feel overwhelmed and eager to share every detail with someone who can help. It's more than natural in fact, it's a core need that have in getting past the confusion of what we have been through and as a part of processing our past.
Often, one of the first people we entrust our story to, is a solicitor (divorce and/or family courts).
However, it is important to understand that while solicitors play a critical role in providing legal guidance and support, they are not therapists.
Disclosing the full emotional impact of your experiences is vital, but the primary function of your solicitor is to navigate the legal processes necessary to ensure your safety and rights.
The Need to Disclose
Leaving an abusive relationship often involves recounting traumatic experiences, which can be cathartic, an outlet for panic / stress and as an attempt to clear the fog of the past - and to get validation for the experiences we have. It's essential, and needs to be done - in the right place.
Yet, this process can lead to over-disclosure in some settings.
In terms of legal proceedings, we can feel a great need to narrate the entire story to ensure our solicitor understands our plight.
However, this is not the best use of their skills and most certainly not the best use of your money.
The Cost of Over-Talking
Let's talk in basic money terms here.
Solicitors charge by the hour, and extensive distress fuelled storytelling can significantly increase legal fees without necessarily contributing to the case's legal strength.
When you spend consultation time on detailed story telling, it not only elongates the session but can also lead to increased stress and financial burden.
The average cost of a divorce in the UK is around £14,561, but this can vary widely depending on the complexity of the case and the solicitor's hourly rate​​​​. Some divorces cost millions!
Solicitors typically charge between £100 to £500 per hour, which translates to roughly £1.67 to £8.33 per minute​​​​!
Remember, your solicitor is there to help you navigate the legal system efficiently and effectively, not to serve as an emotional therapist.
The Risk of Profit-Oriented Solicitors
It is also important to be aware that some solicitors, driven by profit motives, might not always act in your best interest. This is true of any sector, not a direct attack on solicitors.
These solicitors may respond to your stories of abuse by encouraging you to broaden the scope of your case, make more accusations, or pursue additional claims. While this might seem like they are being thorough, their intent can sometimes be to generate more work—and hence more fees—rather than to mediate a swift and fair resolution.
A profit-oriented solicitor might fan the flames of conflict, suggesting additional legal actions that may not be necessary. This approach can prolong the legal process, increase your stress, and substantially raise your legal costs. It's crucial to be mindful of this possibility and focus using time with a solicitor well - directing them towards your case rather than flooding the conversation with your past experiences.
Remember, it is a need for us to want to share our story, to feel supported, to feel validated - but we can source this from friends, services and specialist therapists. Solicitors are not a healthy route, to source healing.
Making the Most of Your Solicitor Session
To ensure that your time and money are well spent, consider the following tips for making the most of your sessions with a solicitor:
Be Prepared: Before your meeting, list the key points and incidents relevant to your case. Focus on factual details such as dates, events, and any documented evidence.
Stay Focused: Stick to the legal facts during your consultation. Trust that your solicitor will ask for more information if needed. This helps in keeping the session concise and productive.
Bring Documentation: Gather all relevant documents, such as police reports, medical records, and any communication with the abuser. This will provide concrete evidence that your solicitor can use to build your case.
Ask Questions: Write down any questions you have in advance. This ensures that you don't forget important queries during the meeting and helps in making efficient use of the time.
Take Notes: During the session, take notes of what your solicitor advises. This will help you remember the next steps and any tasks you need to complete after the meeting.
Seek Second Opinions: If you feel that your solicitor is pushing for unnecessary actions, do not hesitate to seek a second opinion. Another professional might offer a more balanced perspective on the necessary steps.
Set a time limit: Decide how long you think it will take to get through your questions or to deliver evidence, then set a timer. Humans are very good at fitting a task into a time and this can help you to boundary your use of time.
Emotional Support: Seek emotional support from friends, family, or a professional therapist. This allows you to process your feelings without overburdening your legal consultations with emotional narratives.
Meet your need to understand and process your past. Consider a self-delivered programme to help you to recover from your past relationship. You can start with our free self-compassion course (6-weeks) here.
Conclusion
Navigating the legal aspects of leaving an abusive relationship is a challenging process that requires focus and efficiency.
While it is crucial to share enough information for your solicitor to understand and build your case, over-sharing can be counterproductive. Additionally, be cautious of solicitors who might be more interested in generating work than resolving your case swiftly.
By preparing ahead, staying focused on the facts, seeking second opinions if needed, and finding emotional support outside of legal consultations, you can ensure that your legal consultations are both effective and cost-efficient.
Your solicitor is a vital ally in your journey to safety and justice, but it is essential to remember that their role is distinct from that of a therapist.