How the urge to rescue and protect an abusive ex hangs around, and what to do about it.
In this article, we will explore the residual need to protect our exes, after leaving, the negative effects of this and how to address it.
Protecting our abusive ex
When my own relationship story emerged amongst my loved ones and family, people flocked around to provide some support. Typically, my family, my counsellor, my abuse advisor would repeatedly state, "she's an abuser", "she's a b*tch' and such.
My response was to be protective. To argue back that she was misunderstood, that her own past had caused her to be like that, that I was no saint... you know what I am referring to, if you are also a victim. We are well-rehearsed in the excuses and the story that explains the abuse. It is a key part of how we are able to endure abuse and how we rarely feel anger when we leave, rather guilt, shame and such.
These examples of my reactions are easy to spot, but in reality - for many of my clients, it is far more subtle and problematic if not caught and corrected.
The word 'abuse'
The easiest test of this, is the word 'abuse'. I've suggested repeatedly to people that they complete the 'how relationships should not feel' assessment on our front page. After doing so, I am told how it was uneasy to complete, that the questions drew attention to feelings that they had and that their score was surprisingly high! I point out that if the assessment felt uneasy, this likely signals abuse... the response... "it wasn't bad enough to call abuse".
Now, what's central to this statement... "it wasn't bad enough", is that when I take clients on a thought journey we realise that they are usually protecting their ex rather than seeking to understand the truth about their experience.
The conversation typically flows as such,
Me: imagine a close friend or loved, one.
Client: Ok, my sister, Sarah.
Me: imagine now, that Sarah reveals to you a list of experiences from her boyfriend that is the same list you have experienced. What would be your reaction?
Client: I'd feel very sad for her.
Me: What would you suggest that she do?
Client: I'd tell her to leave him.
Me: What if she asked you, "do you think he is abusing me?"
Client:.... I'd say yes, he is.
Me: What if the roles were reversed and she was telling you about your relationship, which isn't imagined.
Client: She already does, she already calls it abusive.
Me: Are you both right then, in this thought experiment.. or is she wrong and you are right?
Client: We are both right.
Me: Yes, when we talk about the behaviours and people we love, we can see abuse easier. It is harder to see when we think that we are being asked to label our ex as an abuser, because we have learned to serve our ex's needs and to protect them.
Client: It's awful to realise it, but yes.
This conversation. I've had it with clients 2 months out of their relationship and 10 years out of their relationship... it is very difficult to shake off the need to protect an ex. It is also very hard to accept that we love / loved a person who is an abuser, as what does this say about us - not just that we are a victim, but that our radar is totally off and we are perhaps deserving of abuse because we loved an abuser.
These are all rabbit holes of thought that we address in the full Get Out Get Love programme, but for now... the protection need merits our attention.
The effect of protecting our ex
The main effect, is that we fail to turn up for ourselves in many, many ways... here are a few I see regularly with clients:
failing to reduce communications down to zero or to the lowest amount needed to co-parent.
failing to recognise that we are a victim - and so activating the rescuing traits and compassion towards ourselves, which victims deserve.
failing to ditch the guilt and shame that comes with believing that the issues were our fault, and not the abuser's.
failing to realise that we have to learn why we fell in love with an abuser and then tolerated the abuse, to avoid it in the future.
failing to break cycles of abuse, as we never labelled it as abuse.
striving to co-parent successfully, failing to realise that co-parenting with an abuser takes a specific approach (see links below).
failing to realise that our own recovery needs are significant, as abuse is traumatic and shapes our psychology in ways that need work to undo.
When we protect our ex, we continue to put their needs above our own. It's an old habit that needs to be named and spotted, before it can be worked out.
How to put yourself first
This takes significant work, as the need to serve an abuser is shaped in us across months - years - decades, and results in drastic changes in our psychology. It takes time, so be easy on yourself - but it does take committed work and a realisation that this is going on!
Our main needs:
Get educated on abuse and most especially, understand why it is so hard to spot in our own lives.
Get out and break the cycle with our ex.
Learn to manage and control our emotions.
Learn to get closure.
Learn to meet our needs.
Learn to self-love.
Learn self-compassion (free 6-week programme here).
All of the above is the content of my book and the digital programme, so feel free to check either out. They were created to support growth and success in all people who have found abuse where love should have been.